It turns out working out does make me feel happier. I had been feeling pretty sad last week but Tuesday I signed up for a gym membership. I didn't get around to using it until Thursday evening but after I did, I felt surprisingly empowered. I felt like I didn't care that Mike has a new girlfriend and that Jeremy didn't text me and that I'm single. I didn't feel panicky when I thought about the prospect of this relationship actually lasting. I was content. And I actually felt that way for a while.

I know exercising releases endorphins but I think its power is more along the lines of the fact that you are doing something for yourself. It's completely about you and it is making you better both physically and mentally. I suddenly felt like I was in control of my life which I hadn't felt for two weeks. I don't HAVE to let this issue get to me. I'm not going to be an old maid, that's not even my worry. And I AM good enough, not completely replacable. And I'm not always rejected...it's not even about me, as in my personality or that I lack something or that I am adversive in some way...sometimes two people just want different things.

I think my only persisting qualm is lack of inclusion. Clearly I can't be invited to things where Mike and hat girl are going to be, and that was by request. But it sucks. I think that's what makes me hate him most. Not only has he chosen another girl over me, but I am excluded. The funny thing is, I probably wouldn't want to go to kick backs at his apartment because basically, they are boring. And frankly it's not like I was a staple in that group anyway. But somehow the fact that I KNOW I won't be invited for sure now really bothers me. The fact that if I were his girlfriend, I'd be invited by default. And now she is. And that makes me want to puke.

But at least I know I'm capable of ignoring that feeling and looking past it. When I do something for myself, it puts in perspective that my life shouldn't be about HIM or any guy, trying to figure them out. I can never make someone want me more than they already do and I can never change their mind on relationship matters, even if I think their reasons for chosing one path or another are completely shallow. Chances are they don't even know for sure what's behind their decisions, so how can I? I can however, change myself. And I can chose to ignore my sadness. It doesn't change the facts: Mike has a girlfriend who isn't me. But it changes how I feel about it and how often I think about it.

I have to keep remembering that I'm in charge. It's my nature to feel rejected and take it badly. But I can work on that, starting now. I'm sick of feeling victimized. He might be the one with a girlfriend but in the end, I am choosing to reject him. Why? Because I am choosing NOT to care. Because I am choosing NOT to be hurt. I choose me.

Apparently, I want to put myself through constant Hell in the boy realm so I decided to text Jeremy yesterday. Not because I want to get back together with him or anything but because I just kind of want to know if he's ok. I'd been feeling kind of guilty because we had dinner in May and I think I gave him a strong impression that I did NOT want to get back together (which I definitely think was on his mind). Somehow I feel bad for doing that because he was going through a hard time in his life.

But then, when isn't that guy going through a hard time? This time I think was legitimate (his dad had died of cancer, his mom got evicted from her house) but still...when we were dating, it was always something, and that's why I put up with his shit for 3-4 months longer than I should have. I always felt guilty for wanting to end it with him when he was going through a hard time and also, I always thought he'd be a better boyfriend once he got through it.

But texting him yesterday confirmed for me what I saw at the end of our relationship and what I saw in May. And that is that he is entirely concerned with himself. I strongly doubt he ever cared about me on the level I cared about him and I don't think it's me. Usually I make this kind of thing personal but with him, I don't even think he's capable of feeling strong emotions about someone else because he's so narcassistic and concerned with himself. People who constantly have issues and who have absolutely NO concern for anything you might be going through...they just CAN'T care to an adequate degree about anyone other than themselves. In May he texted and called me, wanted to get back together, etc. Now that he knows that isn't going to happen, he could give a shit about me. I genuinely care about him and want to know he's ok, so I texted him asking how he was. Did he text back? NO.

Why? Because there's nothing to gain by him showing interest in me. Honestly, it bothers me a little but at this point, I'm so used to him being a let-down that I don't even really care that much. At one point I forgot I'd even texted him. Because A. I'm completely over him. B. I don't care whether he thinks about me anymore because I realized I wouldn't even want his affection C. I DON'T want him back in my life and guilt is not a reason to keep in touch with someone and D. I probably saved myself another whine-filled dinner with him going on and on about himself.

I think what concerns me isn't that he didn't respond but rather that I texted him in the first place. Why do I feel the sudden need to contact him? I think it's probably because of all the other recent sadness I've felt in the boy realm. Maybe I just wanted to use him and get some affection from someone I knew (well, at least I thought) would give it to me. It would've been temporary and meaningless but it might have made me feel better. I've just felt shitty lately...

I am my own worst enemy.

"You keep working at it [until] it becomes a thing that really grips your whole soul. And it has to in order for it to be real music."
—Composer Leon Kirchner (1919-2009)

I've always been a person who is touched far more by instrumental music than that with lyrics. For instance, modern day pop, rock and genre specific music is just not something that resonates with me. I think it may be because I'm a very auditory person and things such as lyrics slip right past me. I rarely know what people are saying in songs because I'm far too focused on melodic intricacies and musicality of the artist. I think one reason I've never really been a Bob Dylan or Johnny Cash fan is because I haven't the slightest interest in what a song is saying and I usually focus on what the music makes me feel. So when you have the unpleasant vocals on these artists, I generally ignore them as "favorites."

Lately I've been attempting to place more focus on the poetic language or hard driven point artists attempt to make. It's opened my appreciation for artists who aren't necessarily musically inclined but have a lot to say.

But I can't ignore my true love of instrumental music. When I'm listening to music with no words, it's like buying a blank card. There's no story which is already written. I can imagine it to mean anything I want and it can be something different each time. I love how classical music generally mimics life in one piece, with ebs and flows matching the dynamic equilibrium that is life. In one song, I can hear tragedy, happiness, triumph and complacency. Just like life, the song can seem so desolate but eventually take a turn for the better. I like how in general, instrumental pieces end on a happy note. When you listen to classical music, you will notice that though there are definitely dark portions of many songs, a song rarely ends in dissonance. I think it gives me hope. I feel like if my life were a Beethoven sinata, eventually everything that goes wrong will end in a major chord.

Maybe that's one reason I've always been more musically inclined. Since I was little I could play things on the piano by ear without formal training. I learned to read music but never had enough formal training to actually master fingering. I can still play difficult pieces, though my fingering is horrific, because I am in love with how they sound and how it makes me feel.

I always wished I could play violin. That is one instrument you can't just "learn." It takes years and determination to master, a knowledge of music and the ability to master the guessing game the accompanies having no frets.

But life is a guessing game and there are no frets to guide us to which chord is correct. Maybe if I can master the violin, I can finally master at least some aspect of my life...

OMG I have no motivation. I am useless. I cannot focus on anything useful. I think I'm so bored I'm caught in a continual state of unproductiveness. I've had like a hundred years to help my boss write this review. 4 pages. Double spaced. Arial font. And I've written ONE PAGE. I'm an idiot.

I blame my overall hatred of reading journal articles. I cannot concentrate in this lab. It's such a chore for me to read anything overly boring/academic because I'm horrible with reading comprehension and I'm a hella slow reader...but this lab makes it impossible. I'm not comfortable. People are always walking in and out. There's too much auditory stimulus. I need to crack down.

Starting...now?